Nana’s Notes:

Papa very tired when I got here – discouraged about how PT went.  Seemed more tired, discouraged, than yesterday.

Ate a good lunch.

Neighbors visited.

Kari & the kids came – went outside, they fed the fish, then we went to the family room & played games.  Kari & Papa visited.

His dinner was here when we got back.

I left about 5:30 PM.

 

Email: (from Nana to friends and family)

Hi, from computer illiterate me!

I have tried several times to give more updates, but I always run into problems.  Tonight I am at Kari’s where she can help me.  

Papa is doing quite well, physically, though his speech is still garbled, and he doesn’t have the strength to walk on his own.  He looks great, and even though he has made great progress in the past week since entering the rehab, he is sure he will never be back to normal or have the quality of life he wants.  Therefore, he is very discouraged and just wants God to take him to heaven so I and the rest of the family will not have to deal with that.  He doesn’t want his grand kids to remember him this way.  He thinks the therapists (speech, occupational, physical, & psychological) are lying to him when they tell him he will get better–it just takes time.  At least he has not given up doing the therapy!  He works with it and the therapists enjoy working with him.  It is hard work for him and he gets very tired.  I think he is having a hard time not being able to think and react like he used to.  Seemingly simple things are not anymore.  Papa has never been one to shy away from hard work and usually likes a challenge, saying “I’m going to beat this thing!” but that isn’t the case now.  Brain trauma usually does alter one’s personality, and I guess that is the case here.  I just pray he will continue working and see great results! 

This week we have a consultation appointment with a radiation oncologist to discuss treatment.  Kari will be joining us.  The rehab will transport Papa.  Please pray for wisdom and knowing God’s will in that.

A nurse friend of mine asked what type of tumor Papa had.  It was an anaplastic astrocytoma–grade 3 or 4.  The neurosurgeon is recommending 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week, with concurrent chemo lasting 6 mo. – 1 yr.  He wants Papa to be part of a nation-wide clinical trial.  The chemo he is recommending is temodar (a pill form of chemo).  Even though he is sure he got all the tumor it is likely there are residual cancer cells present.  This type of tumor usually reoccurs in 3 to 5 years, even with treatment.

Please pray for Papa’s encouragement, strength and healing and for our (Kari’s and mine) strength and ability to understand what Papa is trying to say to us, and that we will all grow and learn what God has to teach us through all of this.  Lots of opportunity to trust God!

Love,   Nana

 

My Reflections:

This morning I juice up some concoction of beets and celery and carrots, lemon, apple, kale, and parsley, ginger and who knows what else.  Because I need the energy; cause runnin’ on Dunkin can only get me so far.

 

I bring the boys with me for another rehab visit.  And Little M falls asleep on the way:

 

And so does C Bear:

This is what nap time looks like sometimes.

 

But they rally and we take Papa for another stroll:

 

And at some point while we’re sitting there, visiting outside, Papa starts talking about something.  With just me.  And, as usual, I’m trying to catch the gist.  He’s talking about wanting to know Biblical support for it either way.  And I realize he’s not talking about the general will of God stuff, like Nana & I thought he was questioning a few days ago.  I realize this is something much more serious.  And I try to make sure I’m hearing him right, asking him to clarify while making sure my boys aren’t in earshot to hear their mom ask their Papa this; and I don’t want to ask, I can’t believe I’m asking my father this, but I make myself ask anyway because I need to know, and Papa wants me to understand….

“Are you talking about taking your own life?!”

Am I really asking this?  

Seriously?

And Papa’s eyes get that look of “You understand what I’m saying!,” and he emphatically nods and points his finger at me and says,

“YEAh!”

And I can’t believe I’m here, having this conversation.

Where the heck am I anyway?

This is CRAZY talk!

And it’s my father who’s talking to me….  About wanting to commit suicide.

And I don’t want to go there, but I need to know, so I ask further, “Have you thought of ways to do it?”

And he nods again and says, “YEAh.”

YEAH?!

And if I was concerned just a minute ago, I’m REALLY concerned now.

But just like that, the boys come over and the subject must be changed… Now!  ASAP.  So it is, and I’m there, left hanging.  Hanging with Papa’s acknowledgement that he so hates his current state that he’s using his free time thinking up ways to kill himself and end it all.

Unsettling doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Later I’ll talk to Nana and let her know and have her make sure Papa’s doctors know.  Cause maybe this is depression speaking.  Maybe his brain is so injured he’s not thinking straight. But what if he is serious, right mind or not, and is actually capable of carrying out whatever plans he’s been planning up?

What if?

What happens when he finishes up rehab and goes home?

What then?

But that conversation with Nana has to wait till later today.  Right now there are little ears that don’t need to hear even a breath of this sort of talk.  Little boys that love their Papa and smile when they visit him, no matter what condition he’s in.  And today they smile, right here, for another group photo before we go.

And I do too.  Cause sometimes that’s just what you’ve got to do.