My Reflections:

After I drop off C Bear for preschool, I head to Nana & Papa’s for a quick visit.

When I get there, an occupational therapist is working with Papa, walking alongside him and offering encouragement and pointers as Papa slowly shuffles along with his walker.  I wonder what she’s thinking.  If this is just routine work for her, her seeing Papa as just another feeble old man on her round of patients to visit.  I wonder if she has any concept that less than two months ago he was quite a different man altogether, and that needing her assistance was the last thing on any of our minds.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’s here.  And she seems very nice and competent and helpful.  It’s just still strange for me to grasp this as reality.  And having someone here like this helping Papa in his own home makes it all the more strange.  Nana & Papa’s home is familiar territory, but this, right here, right now, is anything but familiar territory.  This will take some getting used to.

But I’m not sure I’ll ever get “used to” this.

Papa is doing better though than when we saw him just a few days ago.  Definitely more “with it” and engaged when I talk with him.

While Nana works in the kitchen or is occupied with Little M, I ask Papa a hard question.  Not that I want to, but it’s been recommended that this conversation happen at some point, and I know it needs to happen.  So I ask Papa about his wishes, that as things progress, where he’d like to be; here at home, at my place, or in an assisted care facility?  (I don’t mention it to Papa right now, but I’ve already come up with plans of how to reconfigure things at our place should it get to the point where Papa would need more help;  turning our dining room into a make-shift bedroom so Nana & Papa could be with us, not so far away, and that Nana could have more help in caring for Papa).

But Papa says he’d like to stay put at home for as long as possible, that if he had more strength he’d like to move Nana and himself to a 55+ community or such where it would be easier on Nana down the road, but he understands that’s not possible right now at least, he would need more strength for that to happen.  It bothers him being in their current home with its size and property to keep maintained.  It bothers him that others (friends from church and neighbors) are helping with this, while they have their own busy lives.  He says it bothers him that Nana doesn’t think this is a big deal, that she says these people don’t mind helping, but she doesn’t realize this is a big deal for these people to help like this.

It’s clear that he doesn’t want to be a burden on others, to obligate well-meaning friends to help out with things he can no longer do.  It’s clear he wants to look out for Nana as well, especially in regards to the future, that he doesn’t want his care to be a burden or too much for her.

I wish there was an easy solution.  Him and Nana staying at their place until things get “bad enough” to require other arrangements isn’t exactly a comforting prospect for me to hear.  I wonder what will constitute as “bad enough” and once we reach “bad enough” what exactly our options will be at that point.

But I don’t argue with Papa’s desire.  And for right now, I’m glad he can currently be where he wants to be.  In some ways, it’s easier that he gets to decide this, that finding the best solution is not up to me or anybody else… right now.  For me, it’s just another step of letting go of the fear of all the unknowns the future holds and trusting each step is in God’s hand.  But I sure don’t like this walking blindly thing.  And the trust doesn’t come naturally…. its a choice, or sometimes rather a throwing up of the hands and saying “I’ll trust!” because there’s really no other reasonable option out there.

While reading Streams in the Desert, I found this quote from Phillips Brooks that seems fitting:

Faith when walking through the dark with God, only asks Him to hold his hand more tightly.

Definitely feels like we’re walking in the dark with all this.  Definitely would like some light shining down from above for a little clarity on things.  But I guess that’s not what faith and trusting are all about.

I guess I still have a lot to learn in that department.

Soon it’s time for me to go and a friend from church comes to sit with Papa so Nana can run out to pick up groceries and such.  Nana tells me that lately Papa has preferred no visitors, it just takes too much energy and he’s not really in the mood to visit with friends.  But this visitor today is a necessity for Nana to be able to run her errands.  It’s quite the responsibility for Nana to be Papa’s sole around-the-clock care-giver, confined to the house and looking out for him 24-7.  But she doesn’t complain, not one bit, and thankfully there are friends close by who are willing to come Papa-sit in those rare moments she does need to leave the house.

Later Nana will tell me that her prayer during this time is that it will never get to the point where Papa’s care becomes too much for her to handle, that she’ll be able to care for him here at home for as long as possible.

In sickness & in health….

She doesn’t want it any other way.

 

Thanks, Nana, for demonstrating this so faithfully for Papa: